Ok, it's that time of year again. Swimsuit season. And it's not like I'm a total beach girl or anything, but the reality of life with a child on a swim team is that I spend a LOT of time at the pool. I gotta look good, people.
So last year, my baby was born at the beginning of swim season, and I just gave it up for lost that I would look remotely appealing in a swim suit. I sort of went for 'not grotesque', and called it good.
This year, well, I have no excuses.
Now, I may have mentioned before that my kidneys are huge. And if I needed any reminder of that, it was given to me by my nephrologist last week, who said THREE TIMES, "Your kidneys are HUGE!" (It doesn't sound quite as rude as it looks in print, because my doctor is actually from China, and her English is sometimes broken and not entirely correct, so I cut her a lot of slack. Plus, she's really friendly and smiley and stuff, so I like seeing her. Picture a small, relatively well-dressed Chinese woman in her 40s saying in a loud Chinese accent, "Your kidneys are HUGE", and you get the picture.)
Ok, anyway, my point is that sometimes I wonder if my HUGE kidneys affect my waistline. Part of me hopes that is the case, because then how I look in a bathing suit would have NOTHING to do with my Oreo eating habit. (shhh, don't tell Dr. Steinman!!) But part of me hopes that my kidneys have no affect whatsoever on my waistline, because an Oreo snarfing habit is way easier to fix than, you know, ballooning polycystic kidneys that displace all the organs in your abdomen causing you to look about 5 months pregnant.
And I haven't even gotten to the stretch marks. Suffice it to say, what with the Oreos, the ginormous kidneys, and the stretch marks, nobody, NOBODY wants to see my belly. Not even the teeny weeny bit that is exposed with the cute little tank-ini I wore for years before all of this action around my waistline happened.
Okay, the point. Yes, I'm getting to it.
So I was in Target the other day, looking for some stuff (Because Target has great STUFF), and I saw this sassy red two piece swimsuit on the clearance rack. IN MY SIZE. For EIGHT LOUSY BUCKS. So I scampered into the dressing room and tried it on, and low and behold, I actually looked darned good in it. It was so cute and flowy, not tight at all around the belly, and it covered my waist completely without looking too matronly. Not too revealing up top, and the red was a great color on me. And did I mention it was 8 bucks? Sold, people.
I took my STUFF home to show hubby, and was so excited about my new suit that I ripped off all the tags and put it on again, just to show DH what a smart and sassy shopper I am (because, you know, men LOVE conversations about smart and sassy shopping), and as I am twirling around in the mirror, I noticed one of the tags that I've ripped off.
It says "Liz Lange".
Hunh. Liz Lange. That's funny. That's the brand of clothing I used to wear when I was....
And the awful truth dawned on me as I stopped twirling. A maternity suit. I had bought a MATERNITY suit. A swim suit for pregnant ladies. The only suit in the entire store that looked cute on me was one that was built for watermelon bellies.
No wonder it was flowy.
Maybe I'll just tell everyone at the pool that my next baby is due in November, and leave it at that.