Thursday, May 22, 2008

Swim suit shopping 101, or seriously, can I take a course for stuff like this?

Ok, it's that time of year again. Swimsuit season. And it's not like I'm a total beach girl or anything, but the reality of life with a child on a swim team is that I spend a LOT of time at the pool. I gotta look good, people.

So last year, my baby was born at the beginning of swim season, and I just gave it up for lost that I would look remotely appealing in a swim suit. I sort of went for 'not grotesque', and called it good.

This year, well, I have no excuses.

Now, I may have mentioned before that my kidneys are huge. And if I needed any reminder of that, it was given to me by my nephrologist last week, who said THREE TIMES, "Your kidneys are HUGE!" (It doesn't sound quite as rude as it looks in print, because my doctor is actually from China, and her English is sometimes broken and not entirely correct, so I cut her a lot of slack. Plus, she's really friendly and smiley and stuff, so I like seeing her. Picture a small, relatively well-dressed Chinese woman in her 40s saying in a loud Chinese accent, "Your kidneys are HUGE", and you get the picture.)

Ok, anyway, my point is that sometimes I wonder if my HUGE kidneys affect my waistline. Part of me hopes that is the case, because then how I look in a bathing suit would have NOTHING to do with my Oreo eating habit. (shhh, don't tell Dr. Steinman!!) But part of me hopes that my kidneys have no affect whatsoever on my waistline, because an Oreo snarfing habit is way easier to fix than, you know, ballooning polycystic kidneys that displace all the organs in your abdomen causing you to look about 5 months pregnant.

And I haven't even gotten to the stretch marks. Suffice it to say, what with the Oreos, the ginormous kidneys, and the stretch marks, nobody, NOBODY wants to see my belly. Not even the teeny weeny bit that is exposed with the cute little tank-ini I wore for years before all of this action around my waistline happened.

Okay, the point. Yes, I'm getting to it.

So I was in Target the other day, looking for some stuff (Because Target has great STUFF), and I saw this sassy red two piece swimsuit on the clearance rack. IN MY SIZE. For EIGHT LOUSY BUCKS. So I scampered into the dressing room and tried it on, and low and behold, I actually looked darned good in it. It was so cute and flowy, not tight at all around the belly, and it covered my waist completely without looking too matronly. Not too revealing up top, and the red was a great color on me. And did I mention it was 8 bucks? Sold, people.

I took my STUFF home to show hubby, and was so excited about my new suit that I ripped off all the tags and put it on again, just to show DH what a smart and sassy shopper I am (because, you know, men LOVE conversations about smart and sassy shopping), and as I am twirling around in the mirror, I noticed one of the tags that I've ripped off.

It says "Liz Lange".

Hunh. Liz Lange. That's funny. That's the brand of clothing I used to wear when I was....

And the awful truth dawned on me as I stopped twirling. A maternity suit. I had bought a MATERNITY suit. A swim suit for pregnant ladies. The only suit in the entire store that looked cute on me was one that was built for watermelon bellies.

No wonder it was flowy.

Maybe I'll just tell everyone at the pool that my next baby is due in November, and leave it at that.


Anonymous said...

:) That Liz Lange collection is a fooler and it does not help that is cleverly hidden within the woman's department. I have made the same mistake myself - blinded by a great deal and tempted to cut out the tag and call it a day. If you are looking for sexy yet stylish swimwear for a 14+ figure - check out this site - They have some really cute styles and the sales are a steal.

Melzie said...

I've done that.. not with just bathing suits either. So glad to know I'm in good company!

I always gets suits online.. so much better luck-- but I can't think of the site name... I got a few last summer, so I'm still set.

Rob Monroe said...

I'm refusing to blame my diet, too. I'm using the BPA excuse - they say it made the rats fatter, so why not me?

I'm a guy and it's harder to get a one-piece to cover my belly. :o) I'll probably go without the pool once again this summer.....

The Normal Mormon Husband said...


Thanks for the comment on my blog about my wife. Just so you know, I gave her a gift certificate to a Spa for mother's day. She decided to wait until after the baby was born to use it, so any day not she getting a professional foot massage.

With my swimsuit issues, I cannot blame any huge kidneys. Just a soft, pudgy gut from sitting all day long at work and in Bishopric meetings. Anyway, I wear a cool-looking surfer shirt when I go to the beach. I better double check that it's not a maternity shirt....


Heather O. said...

Thanks for all the fun comments! Wow, it's like Christmas!


Way to do good by your woman. She deserves it.


Sorry you can't find a one piece to cover your belly ;), but don't let that stop you from enjoying the summer. I see LOTS of bellies at VA beach, and nearly ALL of them should be covered.

The Orton's said...

Funniest post ever! Thanks for the good laugh.

Linc said...

To all PKD patients,
I know that you are suffering from PKD. I am writing to you because that I am suffering from “PKD” too. I am not a PKD patient, none of my family member is. I am a PKD researcher. In the work, I found out that some of the important data which were published and used by the laboratory to apply for NIH(National Institutes of Health)grants were falsified and fabricated. I presented the evidences and made complaints to the principle investigator of the laboratory and the officials in the institute. However, I was retaliated against for my whistle blowing and was asked to leave my position. If the research misconduct is covered up, millions dollars of taxpayers' money could be in danger of being wasted, the public health could be in danger of unprotected, and the truth might be buried by the lies. The adverse impact to PKD family is obvious.
I found the falsification and fabrication on PKD research were extensively spreading in the field. It is ridiculous and astonishing. But I would like to say that this is like emperor’s new clothes, only kid like me (in Science) spoke up. Hard to believe?
In the end, I sincerely wish you and all PKD patients would obtain real cure sooner.

Fede y mamá Jesi said...

this is my first time here, I found you through pkdcure, nice blog!! i'll keep on reading you
Jesica from Argentina ;)

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

I seriously appreciate this blog. I happened across it as I was looking for SOMETHING on PKD and waist size. I workout and eat right, but that waist measurement just does not change. I think it may just not get any smaller....and that's that. :)