Monday, February 13, 2012

I'm a crappy patient

I hate being laid up. Like, HATE IT. I am inherently lazy, and usually am not generally opposed to a day spent sort of lounging around. I do it more often than I should, really.

But FORCED lounging, well, the only good thing about that is that I can make my husband do the dishes without feeling guilty about it.

To top it off, this weekend I got pinkeye, compliments of the 4 year old carrier monkey that lives with me, who brought it home from preschool. Being prohibited from driving AND having a contagious condition? The universe must be seriously laughing its guts out right about now.

And I'm discovering that I'm not really a very nice person. I mean, it's all well and good to be cheerful when things are fine, but when your foot hurts and your body goes stale from inactivity and your mind goes to mush because it's too hard to concentrate on anything real when you are in pain and you can't see past your eye boogers, it's harder to maintain a cheerful exterior.

In short, I'm becoming a raging emotionally unstable banshee from hell.

This morning, I broke down in the kitchen upon discovering that my daughter had poured the last of the milk into a large cup, just for fun. There was no mess to be cleaned up, only room temperature milk that could still be used for cereal. Normally I would have just packed my kid up and gone to the store, but since I can't drive, I knew that there no more cold milk to be had until my husband got home from work that day.

It was too much. I started to cry, and asked tearfully why my daughter didn't put the milk back in the fridge to keep it cold. She got confused, and then worried, and then started bustling about, saying things like, "I can put this milk back in the fridge, mom!" When I resigned myself to eating cereal with warm-ish milk, I still sat there crying into my Captain Crunch. Little Sister continued to be concerned, and offered me her leftover milk from the cereal she had eaten about an hour before, and she said, "I'll put THIS milk back in the fridge, and in 4 seconds, it will be cold again!" I told her not to worry about it, that it was fine, so she left the bowl next to the fridge and said, "It's just riiiight here, Mommy, if you change your mind." She said it softly, soothingly, like she was trying to calm a crazed animal.

She then came back to the table and awkwardly stood there, looking at my dripping face, and finally whimpered, "Just please stop crying, Mommy!"

It struck me then that I'm not sure if in her short life, she's ever seen me cry. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it did make me feel a little sheepish that the first time she sees her mother break down in sobs is over milk. And not even spilled milk at that.

Tonight I unleashed a storm of fury at my 9 year old who refused to do his homework. Because nothing motivates a kid to do his math like his mom throwing a bigger tantrum than he did.

I'm just sayin', today MIGHT have been a bad parenting day.

I think I'll take a Vicodin and try again tomorrow.


Rob Monroe said...

Little girls are so sweet when a parent is hurting - it's likely the only reason humans do not eat their young. As for a 9 year old that did not do homework... he had that coming!

Hope today is a better day.

Anonymous said...

I happened to come across your blog yesterday, because I too, have PKD and am debating whether or not I should get pregnant 2nd time around. So I was looking for some input what to do.

I'm 42 now and got married quite late at 36, as did my husband for the first time at 42 at the time. I had problems getting pregnant for several years, which didn't give us much opportunity to start a family right away. At this point I finally have a beautiful 1-yr old daughter and my kidney function went down after this pregnancy.

So far, I am in the moderate 3rd-stage (as per NKF chart) and there's a real possibility that if I were to have a 2nd baby this would put me into the severe 4th-stage, which means preparation for dialysis/transplant. I'm not quite ready to have to change my lifestyle and start dialysis in my early 40's. If anything, I thought it wouldn't be happening until at least another 20 years from now, so hence my dilemma.

My nephrologist keeps monitoring me on a yearly basis and leaves it up to me whether I want to go ahead with the 2nd pregnancy, but I should know that there's a higher risk of me miscarrying, having complications i.e. pre-eclampsia, and pre-term birth. He doesn't have the #'s of how much my kidney function will deteriorate and it's a chance I need to be willing to take; however, he mentioned that I either go ahead and live my life to the fullest or stop aiming for another baby because of fear.

Yet this fear is very real and I'm not sure how to handle it; I keep going back & forth (I was set to get pregnant, then I started thinking I'm not ready for dialysis, and finally I think that at least I'll have 2 children and I'm heading towards dialysis either way). PKD is something I learnt to live with, but only because so far it didn't affect me too much. I only remember of 1 UTI as a 10-yr old child, the next time was at 25, when I was actually diagnosed with PKD, where a UTI caused a kidney infection. The only other problem I experienced was at 28, when a Uric Acid stone in the left kidney was stinted. Other than that, I don't feel like I have PKD at all, because I lead, what I feel is, a normal life.

I did realize though, after reading a few of your postings, that I also have been experiencing similar effects of possibly PKD. When it comes to chronic laziness, I too, a lot of the times, feel like just sitting around due to a certain lack of energy and have no problem doing nothing at all. Whereas, I see my sister with such fervent energy doing things and starting projects around her house all the time. As for the eye problems - I've been near-sighted since University years (maybe even earlier, which I haven't known back then) and it has to be due to PKD, because my brother & sister both are PKD-free and have perfect vision. I read somewhere that PKD affects a large number of organs, where eyesight was listed as one of them. I was the lucky one to get the bad gene from my father, but on the other hand I was fortunate to also get some great ones from him which my siblings did not.  When you wrote about not eating and/or peeing too much; it resonated with me, as well. I'm tall & slim and always thought to have had a great metabolism making some people jealous for my figure. However, in the back of my head I always thought it to be because of my kidney condition the reason I don't feel like eating much because I feel satiated very quickly. I never felt like having to pee often neither and if it came down to it, I would have no problem holding it for an entire day.

So, I wondered if you may have any advice for me and my pregnancy dilemma. What shall I do???
Signed: L

Heather O. said...


Your dilemma is my own. I too want another child, but the risks get higher with each pregnancy, and my kidney function dropped significantly with my second child, my daughter. Doctors are reluctant to tell me what to do, only because the results are unpredictable, but I too wonder if a pregnancy is worth pushing up dialysis and transplant. My neph laid out a scenario where she jokingly said that after the dialysis, transplant, recover, etc, I would finally be able to hold my baby when she was 3 years old. And then she said, "And I know you're considering it, because you're a mother, and mothers are crazy." It's true--mothers are crazy, and building our families are important, and in the long run, if I am going to have a transplant anyways, shouldn't I do what I can to build my family while I'm young enough to do it? On the other hand, what does it do to my family to watch their mother go through dialysis? These are questions that keep me up at night with worry and with prayer.

So I don't have any advice for you, but know that you are not alone in this heart wrenching decision, and I pray that whatever decision you come to, that you will have peace in your heart that it is the right one.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your response. It helps to know that someone else is out there who knows what it's like. The risks are higher with each pregnancy, as well as age.

I prayed a lot to get to this point and I must tell you that my dilemma is over, bec. I already did get pregnant and I think it's the right decision for me. All I could think of was to try and build my family while I'm young enough and able to do so.

When it comes to dialysis with transplant to follow, I came to a conclusion that I'm heading in that direction either way. So maybe it's just better to live life to its fullest now and get that unavoidable transplant some years sooner while I'll be young enough to enjoy it after the recovery. Maybe it's a good thing afterall. I figure things happen for a reason and I'll go with the flow bec. after this pregnancy I'm not sure how much longer my kidneys will function in the moderate stage. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

You mention eyesight going downward in your recent blog - it's also been a nuisance for me. I need to see my opthalmologist for a new prescription, as well. Anyway, I hope your leg is better and that you don't feel as much pain.